Agony

Kneeling by the couch once more,
I nod off, just as they did many years ago.
Position doesn’t matter kneeling, standing, sitting, plank…
In any position I sleep.
Watchful nights come easily to me 364 days of the year.
But on this night, the night He asks us to
Stay awake,
Watch,
And pray,
I sleep.
As dawn breaks, I wake up and I am sad.
He was alone, once again.

When He rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, He found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.  “Why are you sleeping?” He asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”
Luke 22:45-46

Melting…

This morning I woke up and remembered that it was our anniversary!  As I gazed at my sleeping love, he woke up, gave me a smile and then for a moment he became lost as he gazed into space.

I didn’t want to interrupt his waking moment, but I thought to myself as he became lost in thought… only God knows where he is right now.

In that moment, with that thought, I wanted to melt into our one true Love so that my husband and I could be lost together in His infinite ocean of love.  

By losing ourselves or melting into Him we are not lost, but instead find His buried treasure of knowing each other even more deeply. This hidden treasure is wonderful, but even it falls short of a deeper secret waiting for us.

I long to long to lose myself for Him alone.

Wake up!

God really wanted me to wake up this morning.  I first woke up at 5:40 am and thought to myself, I should get up and read the Bible or my devotional, but I felt too tired so I rolled over and went back to sleep.  I woke up again at 6:03 am and again rolled over to go back to sleep.  Finally at 6:10 am, I had to get up because the alarm in the girls bedroom went off and was blasting NPR all over the house.  I took this as a sign that God was not taking “No” for an answer this morning 🙂  Thankfully none of the girls woke up… I’m not sure how they slept through it, but they did!

I think what I took from all of this was a reminder not to get swept away by the wrong things this Christmas.  The last few days have been a little hectic as I have been preparing for Christmas, sending cards, shopping, cooking, wrapping, cleaning, etc. I haven’t found much time to sit in peace and quiet and just listen.

I want to listen during this Holy time.  I want to sit in peace and think of our Savior, His Mother, His earthly Father and His Holy Birth.  I want to be moved to depths of my soul as I reflect on Him.

Thank you my Loving and Heavenly Father for nudging me awake this morning.  Please help me to keep You always in my sight and to stay awake!

Listen carefully my friends, He might be trying to wake you up too!

When are we awake?

I am not sure if you hear a lot about waking up or about the next great awakening, but I have heard quite a bit about it in some of the documentaries I have watched in the last few months.

When I talk about awake, I am talking about being consciously aware of our ego and critically questioning our personal actions and whether these actions are being driven by our egos.  Then making an effort to minimize our ego’s influence over our actions.

The first book I read about this was, A New Earth: Awakening to  Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  I loved this book and I still consider it one of the first books of my own personal journey, but as I continue down my path I still question am I going the right way, am I waking up, will I ever be fully awake?  For me, I think it is a daily effort to wake up.  I still get caught up in worries about the future, regrets of the past and feelings, choices and actions driven by my ego.

One thing I have noticed though is that I feel more awake and more alive on days that I celebrate the joys and successes of others.  A news story was mentioned on my radio station the other day that helped me more clearly define a day when I am feeling more awake, Facebook Envy:  How Cruising can Kill Self Esteem by Wendy Sachs.

This story talks about how cruising Facebook can kill your self esteem when everyones life appears to be better, more fun, more exciting than yours.

This made me pay a little closer attention to my own activity on Facebook and I do think that I am more awake on days when I “Like” and comment on my friends photos, comments, shares.   Choosing to “Like” my friends activities is my quiet and small way to celebrate and be excited for them and the joys in their lives.

I am not sure when we will all wake up, but since so many of us are now connecting on Facebook, let’s use it as a platform to celebrate each other, support each, and love each other rather than a platform for comparison which will only plant the seeds of envy in our own heart.

James 3:16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Jesus please help me to wake up a little more every day so that someday I can fully share in the celebrations and joys of all of my brothers and sisters throughout the world!