And Jesus said, “What do you want me to do for you?”

Sometimes we pray and pray and then pray some more, but do we know what we are asking Jesus to do for us?

I am often praying for forgiveness.  Forgive me for this, forgive me for that, forgive my sin from yesterday, forgive my sin from 15 years ago, etc.  This morning I was praying for forgiveness for something yet again, and I thought to myself or He said, “I have forgiven you, and I will forgive you again, and I will continue forgiving you as many times as you request to be forgiven, but when will you release your sin and give it to Me?”

When will I release my sin, when will I give it to Him?  He has already accepted it, He has already died for it, but have I let it go and actually given it to Him by accepting His forgiveness?

Have I become comfortable wallowing in my sin, remembering it, begging forgiveness and then returning to wallow in the comfort  of being an unforgiven sinner yet again?  I am not sure…. maybe?  I am not saying that we shouldn’t be praying for and begging for forgiveness often and more than once, but I think I have been missing a very crucial part to this prayer, a prayer asking Jesus to help me release my sin, give it to Him and enter the unknown territory of forgiven sinner by accepting His forgiveness.

Sweet Lord, sweet Savior, sweet Jesus I am in awe as I see Your amazing work more clearly than ever before through more specific and focused prayers.  I want each beat of my heart to be filled with gratitude and thanksgiving for You and I beg You to please keep opening our eyes to our sins so that we can beg forgiveness, repent and release our sin to You!

Our Heart

Twelve years ago my husband and I were married, we became one, but I don’t think I ever took it as seriously as God meant for it to be taken.  Yes, we have been married and faithful and loving.  We have been blessed with three wonderful children, and we spend lots of time together, but I don’t think I have really believed or thought that we are truly and physically one.

Mark 10:8
And the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two but one flesh.

A few months ago, I started thinking about this bible verse and wondered if truly we were truly made into one and given the same heart on that wonderful day of our marriage.  Have I ever behaved as if we truly have one heart?  Have I inflicted damage or scars on our heart through hurtful words, arguments and fights?  Have I ever tried to pull or push away hard enough to create a rip in our heart or to break our heart?  Has God ever had to carefully sew our new heart back together?  Has our heart grown stronger throughout the years or have we inflicted scars that will forever be weak spots that might break more easily?

I don’t know the answers, but after I started thinking about this I began trying to literally, physically and spiritually live life as one with my husband.  I began by talking with him in my heart and praying for him throughout the day while he is as work.  During yoga classes I started praying that the strength, flexibility and peace gained in class were flowing to him.  Talking, laughing and doing homework with our children after school, I began praying that he was sharing in our time together.  Finally when I mess up which is often, I beg forgiveness from him and from our Lord (this one isn’t new), but now when he messes up I beg forgiveness from our Lord because if I truly believe that we are one then my mistakes are still mine, but his mistakes are now mine too.

Most of you reading this probably think I am a little crazy and spend way too much time in my own head.  I will never really know the answers, but I don’t think that is really the point. From my little experiment I do know that I see my husband more and I love him more.

I pray that it is true, I pray that our sweet Lord truly gave us one heart, our heart!

Trampled Pearls

I spend a lot of time thinking about things I have read, watched or discussed and wondering about interesting or different connections. I love to call these long and extended thought processes my secret thoughts.  My sweet husband always listens faithfully, and sometimes I share them with others, but not often.

One passage in the bible that I have been thinking about on and off for a while is Matthew 8:28-32.


And when he came to the other side, to the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men met him, coming out of the tombs, so fierce that no one could pass that way. And behold, they cried out, “What have you to do with us, O Son of God? Have you come here to torment us before the time?” Now a herd of many pigs was feeding at some distance from them. And the demons begged him, saying, “If you cast us out, send us away into the herd of pigs.” And he said to them, “Go.” So they came out and went into the pigs, and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned in the waters. 


What is the point of this?  Why are the pigs included? Originally I thought of it as a followup to Leviticus when the Israelites were told not to eat the flesh of the pig.  I figured that this was further confirmation on how much God dislikes pigs, but this explanation never really felt right.

Then this passage came up again and I was thinking about it immediately on the heels of reading, Matthew 7: 7-8…


Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.


And it occurred to me that the demons had asked Jesus to send them into the herd of pigs, and He had given them their request.  Maybe what God is demonstrating in this passage is that if even a demon can ask and then be given his request, then we must realize how much more Jesus and Our Father in Heaven desire for us to ask so that They can give us our request.

Obviously I don’t know the answer, but I know my thoughts and I know the time put into pondering and developing this secret thought can be thought of as time spent polishing a little pearl God buried within my heart.  When I did share this thought with someone new, I finally experienced what it was like to cast my pearls before swine.  My thoughts were trampled and dismissed and I was upset and hurt for a little while, but now after the hurt has passed I am left regretfully wondering whose pearls have I trampled?

Sweet Lord, please help us to tread gently so that instead of trampling the pearls of others we might have a chance to discover them, learn from them, admire them and cherish them!  Also please help us to ask YOU with full faith that YOU will give!  You have proven it time and time again… it is our memories that constantly fail!

Tonight as He bleeds…

On this night our Lord will pray in the garden of Gethsemane, suffering in agony as He prays to the point of sweating blood.

What was flashing through His mind in those moments?  What caused Him such great emotional pain  that He physically sweat blood?

Maybe as He knelt there praying, life flashed before His eyes, but instead of seeing His own life, He saw all of our lives flash before His eyes. Our lives became His as He lived each of our lives in His mind, in those moments.  He saw every sin each of us has ever committed as His own sin.

He watched Himself committing these grievous, selfish, terrible and sinful acts. God, His Father, watched Him committing these grievous, selfish, terrible, and sinful acts.

He literally, physically, emotionally, and mentally bore our sins, and yes, I believe watching Himself commit our sins made Him sweat blood.

He Himself bore our sins… – Peter 2:24

Oh my Jesus…  please forgive us, thank You, please forgive us, thank You, please forgive us, thank You, thank You, thank You…

Teach me

  • Teach me Lord to praise You as the trees do, with their arms stretched wide day and night in praise of You.
  • Teach me Lord to be as flexible and changeable as the clouds as they move and change day and night guided by Your will.
  • Teach me Lord to be as humble as a grain of sand that knows without it’s presence the desert or the beach is not greatly changed, but gratefully realizes that it’s presence is required for the desert or the beach to be complete in Your plan.
  • Teach me Lord to be as reflective as all the waters of the earth so that I might reflect Your majesty back to You.

Thank You Lord for all of the ways you teach us!

Her story…

I told you a few weeks ago about my newly found love for Mary.  I have been thinking about her a lot and wanting to know her more and know her story.

Tonight as I was conquering the mountain of laundry that has piled up since school let out for summer, I decided to watch the first part of a movie that has been sitting in my queue for a while, Mary of Nazareth.

First of all, let me tell you that I love it and I will be watching the second part very soon.

While watching it I realized that maybe we can know more of her story through His stories, by looking deeper into the parables of The Gospel, and then imagining how these parables might translate into her life, her childhood, her memories and her thoughts that she shared with her sweet and blessed son, Jesus.

Imagine for a moment Mary’s wedding celebration.  I had never done this before, but it was vividly depicted in this movie.  Her parents prepared a feast to celebrate their daughter’s wedding, but no guests came.  Their neighbors looked on with disgusted judgement refusing to attend while Mary, Joseph and her parents sat alone.

Now imagine what might have happened next.

What if Mary stood up, reached for Joseph’s hand and together they walked through the village inviting everyone they found to join them in celebration?

Does this sound familiar?  Check out Matthew 22 and Luke 14:15-24.

Maybe some of her story is buried deep His parables.  Maybe we just have to read The Gospels again from yet another perspective to find her story.

I think it is time to start digging deep again my friends!

He makes all things new!

Since I first thought, prayed and wrote about Our Best Life, I have changed, I am different… I think I am becoming new.  I have told friends that I don’t know why this change has come about, but I am starting to realize that I  do know why… it is because of Him, and only Him.

When I first starting praying for Our Best Life, someone very close to me was going through two very difficult and life changing events.  Her suffering and pain finally opened my eyes to my own selfishness and allowed me to step outside of myself for a moment and begin thinking of and praying for others by praying for Our Best Life.

This changed my direction, but He in His infinite humility still didn’t step in until I invited Him in through a prayer to be the seed that has been sown on good soil.

He heard my prayer and came running to help me.  Regardless of how much work there is to do in me, He pushed up His sleeves and began working to make me new!  Anything kind, loving, patient, thoughtful, considerate, generous that I do is because of Him… it is NOT me!  There is still so much to be done, but He is here and my thoughts run to Him as I talk with my husband and my children, work on homework and play with my children, read, listen to music, wash dishes, fold and iron clothes, clean our home, make our dinner and even while kneeling on the floor a few weeks ago to clean up my daughters throw-up.

Thank You My Love for being here with me… I do not just need You, I desire You from the depths of my heart.

Please hide my love from me…

When I do something kind or loving for someone else, I love to remember it.  Remembering it makes me smile and feel so wonderful inside for the kindness I have shown to someone else or the love that I have spread.

On the other hand when I do something selfish, unkind or out of anger to another, I hate to remember it.  The memory brings me sorrow, guilt and most of all pain.

I just finished reading The Book of my Life by Saint Teresa of Avila translated by Mirabai Starr. At one point in this book, St Teresa describes God as an unimaginably clear, fully transparent, beautiful, multifaceted diamond.  After this description, St. Teresa talks about the pain and sorrow we will feel someday as we stand before this diamond and see our true self clearly witnessing not only our good actions, but also seeing our own selfishness, greed, anger, hatred, and envy reflected back and clouding the clarity, smudging the beauty of this diamond.

I love St. Teresa’s description and I can’t help but think of what Jesus said in Matthew 6:1-4

Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.  So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

Jesus please silence the trumpet that I sound within my heart when I spread love or perform a small act of kindness.  Instead please hide my love from me and help me to clearly remember the painful moments of my unkindness, selfishness, and greed.

Then maybe someday if I ever do kneel before Your unimaginably beautiful diamond, I will not be shocked to painfully witness again my moments of failure, but instead might be joyfully surprised to see that I did spread a little love and perform a few small acts of kindness in Your Name, My Sweet Love.

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done

Do you ever buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot has become extremely large?

I do, and then for the next 24 hours until the drawing I start fantasizing about what I would do if I won.  I start divvying up the money in my mind, deciding how much I would keep, how much I would give to family, estimating how much would be lost due to taxes, estimating how much I would have to pay advisors and then, finally, the last category tagged on as an after thought is how much I might give to those in need.

Usually by the end of the 24 hours, the amount I “need” to keep has gone up and the amount I would give away has gone down.  It is pretty disgusting how quickly I get sucked into thinking/imagining/dreaming that I “need” $XXX,XXX,XXX.

Can you imagine my kingdom coming to be?  Every time I hear the song Demons by Imagine Dragons I am reminded of my inner demon and I shudder at the thought of my kingdom coming to be.

My Heavenly Father, my Lord, my Love, my sweet Jesus… all I can say is thank You, thank You, thank You, for sparing me from ever winning the lottery, and instead using each ticket purchase to open my eyes to my own demon buried deep within.

I pray to always remember and I pray to always pray…

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done.