Our Best Life might not be comfortable…

When I originally started this blog, I did not understand very much.  I still don’t understand a lot, but I think I am learning more about myself.

At the beginning there were times when I confused “comfortable life” with “best life”.  As I have continued on my journey this mistake is now so painfully clear that I am actually quite embarrassed to be typing this even though I wish instead of embarrassment I felt thankful for finally realizing this and humbled as I see how blessed I have been to be surrounded by so many comforts.

At the beginning of my search I kept asking questions about my cousin’s premature death…

  1. Why didn’t she get to graduate from college?
  2. Why didn’t she have a chance to fall in love?
  3. Why were we at her funeral instead of her wedding?
  4. Why did she miss out on the joy of motherhood?
  5. How could this have been her best life or part of our best life?

Then a few months ago I pondered the question of whether my cousin’s death was a gift of grace in disguise for our grandfather?

Maybe her life was a gift for our grandfather to finally find what he had been searching for his whole life?  Maybe her life was a gift for me to finally have my eyes opened, if even just a little, to see my own greed and selfishness?

I don’t know the answer to this, but if her death was our gift, then maybe she did live Our Best Life… His will!

What better life could one live than to follow so closely in the footsteps of our sweet Jesus, Who was sacrificed for all of us?

One moment at a time…

The other morning I fell yet again.

It was the one day of the month when parents can walk their children to their classrooms, see their artwork and help them unpack and get ready for their school day.

The girls were eating slow, laughing a lot and having a ball at breakfast.  I interrupted their little party to tell them them to hurry up.  It didn’t phase them, they kept enjoying their breakfast and each others company.  I rushed them again and again they continued to slowly enjoy their breakfast and their sweet little jokes.  Then I continued complaining about the fact that we were leaving 10 min later than I wanted to leave while brushing their teeth, getting their socks on and urging them into their shoes.  At one point I asked my youngest to please put her shoes on and she started laughing at me and told me that I had already put them on for her.

When we finally arrived at school, I realized that we had forgotten their folders.  My sweet oldest was finally upset.  She is so studious and organized and was very upset about coming to school without her folder.  I felt so bad, but even in the midst of my guilt I didn’t say the right thing.

After getting them to their rooms, I ran home to get their folders.  I then waited at the office while my oldest came to pick up her folder and I finally apologized for being so impatient earlier that morning.

As we hugged she whispered “I forgive you” into my ear.

I think I have finally realized that God did not make me the mother of these three sweet little blessings because of anything I have done, but instead because how strong they are to withstand all of my mistakes and because of everything I still have to learn about patience, goodness, forgiveness and love from them.

God thank You for Your forgiveness every time I fall and thank You for these three blessings in my life who so willingly forgive me as You do!

Please continue to open my eyes to all of their wonderful teachings and keep reminding me to slow down and take everything one moment at a time!

Digging deep…

We are becoming gardeners!  Since moving into a house I have wanted to plant a garden. Unfortunately I am a dreamer with very little follow-up action, but thankfully my husband is the one who gets things done!

This summer he picked a spot in the yard and we started clearing out the ground cover. Within a few weeks we had a nice little spot cleared!  I thought we would be ready to plant within the week so the girls and I headed out to buy some seeds, but wait a min my sweet husband is also very detail oriented and meticulous when it comes to projects!  We were not yet ready to plant, we had to clear out all of the roots.  While clearing the roots we came across some very large and deep cement bases from the old fence.  I was willing to work around them, but my love said “No, they must come out.” so we began digging really deep!   Four, fifty pound, cement bases later, our little plot had transformed into what looked like a miniature disaster zone with deep holes, dirt piles and lots of roots.

We are now about 2 months into the project.  Today I was out there filling in the holes, clearing roots, leveling the earth, and thinking.  I was wondering if my soul is being cleared out as I clear out this land?  I was thinking about my own roots that run deep, my own cement blocks that weigh me down and keep me from producing any fruit, I was thinking about the over growth within my life that distracts me from our sweet Jesus, and finally I was thinking of my husband and the beautiful life he lives.

Thank You Jesus for blessing me with my sweet and wonderful husband who understands Your ways and practices them.  I read Your Book, but he listens to You with his heart and acts on it.  He knows the land must be properly prepared in order to be fruitful, he knows that things must be destroyed to be rebuilt and he is patient!

I pray to continue seeing him with Your eyes of love so that I can continue to learn from his wonderful example!

Who is in the way?

I joined a gym recently and a few weeks ago I took a body combat class.  It was a great class, but I didn’t like focusing on an imaginary opponent.

About halfway through the class I decided that my opponents would be some of my own personal vices.  With each punch or kick I focused on pushing out things I don’t like about myself and then tried breathing in virtues I would like to replace them with.

By the end of class it finally hit me…

Imagine standing in a room surrounded by mirrors.  As the mirrors reflect back on each other their reflections go to infinity, but as you look you can only glimpse the edges of infinity because YOU are in the way.

I am my only obstacle.

The only way to truly follow our sweet Jesus is to get out of our own way, deny ourselves.

For every wrong done to us I think we need to recall a wrong that we have done to another and then suffer through that memory rather than stew over what has been done to us.  I don’t think it is easy and I think this is just the first step, but the only way to get anywhere is by taking the first step.

Jesus thank You for waiting so patiently to take this first step and every other step along the way by our sides!

He’s My Son!

I recently heard this song for the first time, He’s My Son by Mark Schultz.  I didn’t listen to all of the words the first few times.  I only paid attention to the words of the refrain, “He’s My Son”.  Each time I heard it I thought how beautiful it was that someone had written a song from God’s point of view leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus.

I finally listened to the words of the whole song and realized that it was written from the point of view of a father with a sick child crying out to God for help.  It is a beautiful song, but each time I hear it I always imagine how God must have cried out to us in the hours leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion.

Can you hear Me?
Can you see Him?
Please don’t leave Him.
He is not just anyone, He is My Son!

Friday I heard this beautiful song again. A strong desire came into my heart to write a version giving us a tiny glimpse of the painful cries our Holy Father made into our deaf ears as He went through the suffering of watching His Son die.

He’s My Son by Mark Schultz
(original lyrics)

The re-written Lyrics are in bold below.  Please see the link above for all of the original lyrics by Mark Schultz.

Looking down from on high tonight,
Dreading the moment He sets things right.
See He is a boy that needs your love.
I’ve done all that I can do from above.
He now knows His fate,
To shoulder your sin and hate
Tonight as He prays,
He asks, how to show you the way.
And He tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill His eyes.

Can You hear Me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see Him?
Can you pray for Him this night?
If You can hear Me
Please send Him all your love.
See, He’s not just anyone, He’s My Son.

Every night I watch Him sleep,
Amazed at the man He’s grown to be
I send Him strength and see Him through.
Open your eyes, oh how He loves you!
He will never grow old,
Yet lives life without fear
What would you be
If He’d never come here?
His time grows near,
He prays for you,
Let Him know that you’re there.

Can you hear Me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see Him?
Can you pray for Him this night?
If you can hear Me
Please send Him all your love.
See, He’s not just anyone, He’s My Son.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see Him?
Can you pray for Him this night?
If You can hear me
Please send Him all your love.
See, He’s not just anyone.

Can you hear Me?
Can you see Him?
Please don’t leave Him,
He’s My Son.
_________

Thank you Mark Schultz for this beautiful song that has opened my eyes just a little bit more!

Look for the little flowers!

This morning I saw a man stop and offer help to an older woman who was pushing her own wheel chair across a parking lot.  It was a lovely scene, quiet and small and probably not noticed by many.  I love seeing these small and beautiful moments of kindness and goodness in the world.  They remind me that God’s tapestry is full of small and beautiful pictures that we can see even now.  I like to think of these small moments of goodness as the little flowers decorating the trim of His tapestry.

I think His tapestry is also full of large scenes of which we only have the ability to see small portions.  When we focus on the small parts of the large scenes, we might see what we perceive to be evil.  We might notice the drops of blood, a weapon, a betrayal, a death and if we don’t have faith to trust that these things are necessary parts leading up to the overall goodness of God’s scene, His plan, His beautiful tapestry, then we lose hope in the goodness of God and His ability to use any and every action of ours to finalize His beautiful and good plan.

I know it is very cliche to say, but I must repeat what so many others have said before me.

Jesus please help us to focus on the small things, help us to seek out the little nuggets of golden goodness You have sprinkled throughout everyday, and when something bad happens help us to remember that our faith is being tested, and that we must believe in You and have faith in You and Your ability to turn anything all around and upside down.

Turned around and upside down!

Whoever needs less should thank God and not be distressed, but whoever needs more should feel humble because of his weakness, not self important because of the kindness shown to him.

– The Rule of Saint Benedict

Our society builds up those with more making it difficult for those with more to truly feel humble.  This then leads many with less to not thank God, but instead covet more.

I think we need to keep Saint Benedict’s perspective in mind and always in sight, despite being constantly bombarded with the opposite belief by the cultural norms of our society.

Jesus please help us to keep looking at things upside down and turned around so that we won’t be swept away by the world.

Our hearts!

I love any version of the song “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing” by Robert Robinson.

Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

For a moment when listening to this part I had an image of my family… they are my hearts!  I pray that God will take and seal them for His courts above so that I will not wander, I will not waver off of His path, but will instead follow my loves, my hearts straight home to our one true Love and His courts above.

Jesus please help us to keep our hearts always on You!

Grace in disguise?

It was a dark and stormy evening.  A young man who had recently received his license was on his way home from picking someone up.  As he approached a red light, he pumped the brakes, they locked and the car continued right through the light.

There was a collision, people were hurt, a young child in another car was killed.

The young man driving was my grandfather.

I know he thought of this child often.  I know he carried the pain of having caused the death of this child for the rest of his life. As I think back to discussions and time I spent with my grandfather, I can remember the painful expression I would see cross his face if we ever heard about or discussed any type of car accident.  I remember seeing him wince as if he was physically in pain when we discussed a news article about all of the fatal car accidents caused by faulty tires back in 2000.

I think this moment drove him to spend the rest of his life seeking to empathize with those who had recently lost a loved one in death through his work as a funeral director. He sought to feel their pain, he hoped to feel what the family of that young child felt, and he searched for forgiveness by easing the pain of others as they faced the death of a loved one.

I now wonder if God graced my grandfather with an end to his search just before he died?

My young cousin, his granddaughter, was killed in a car accident on a dark and stormy evening about a year before my grandfather died. After his years of searching and empathizing with others, he finally felt what it was like for the family of that young child who had died so many years ago. He finally felt what it was like to look into the face of the mother of that child as he looked into the face of his own daughter as she wept for her child.

My sweet young cousin was the only one who was ready to go home.  Maybe her death was a gift of grace to our grandfather?

God thank you for loving both of them so much!

Miracles!

Do you see miracles everyday?  Do you see miracles in the blossoming of a flower, the beauty of a sunset or the birth of a child?

Or do you believe that the word miracle is too loosely applied to the everyday events and moments of our world?  Do you only see miracles in events such as the parting of the Red Sea, the opening of the eyes of the blind, or the healing of the sick or the lame?

If God parted the Red Sea everyday would this still be a miracle? Would we continue to see this as a miracle?  If Jesus had lived into old age and had continued healing the sick, opening the eyes of the blind, calming storms and walking on water, would these miracles eventually have been taken for granted and become an expected part of everyday life?

Just because a baby is born every few seconds on earth, this doesn’t change the fact that there was less than 1 chance in 10282(million trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion) that life would occur anywhere in the universe at the beginning (as discussed by Dr. Hugh Ross in the article The Probability for Life on Earth).

Despite the minimal chances for life to occur anywhere in the universe at the beginning, miraculously we do exist and miraculously we continue to exist through the new children who are born every few seconds.

Maybe our inability to appreciate the everyday miracles that now seem mundane to us is what is preventing us from seeing and experiencing the extraordinary miracles.

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.  But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.
Luke 16:10

Maybe we need to be a little more honest with ourselves regarding the miraculous events that we experience everyday in order for our eyes to be opened to see not just the everyday miracles, but every miracle.

Jesus please continue to open our blind eyes!  Please help us to gratefully see and accept all of Your amazing works and wonders!